As a writer, I read a great deal, both online and between the covers of books. Sometimes I encounter a blog post or story that inspires me, or that I feel the need to respond to. One such piece is Mom on the Move 35's post "10 Things You Don't 'Owe' Your Child."
The point of the article is that children aren't entitled to many of things that society typically considers to be good, including lots of material possessions, winning, gourmet food, and popularity. It's not that I disagree with the author, per se. It's that I want to add an addendum in the affirmative. If there are many things that you don't owe your child, then what do you owe them exactly?
Mom on the Move concludes that "Children are entitled to parents who will teach them the difference between the things in life they have to work for and the things in life that are given freely."
Since she doesn't expand on the topic, let's examine it further here. What does the classical philosophical tradition have to say about the things that parents should freely give to their children? Modern psychology? How about common sense?
The point of the article is that children aren't entitled to many of things that society typically considers to be good, including lots of material possessions, winning, gourmet food, and popularity. It's not that I disagree with the author, per se. It's that I want to add an addendum in the affirmative. If there are many things that you don't owe your child, then what do you owe them exactly?
Mom on the Move concludes that "Children are entitled to parents who will teach them the difference between the things in life they have to work for and the things in life that are given freely."
Since she doesn't expand on the topic, let's examine it further here. What does the classical philosophical tradition have to say about the things that parents should freely give to their children? Modern psychology? How about common sense?
1. You Owe Your Child Moral Guidance
Certain traits are necessary for the development of a good character and for living in society with others. Good parents use a child's bad behavior as a way to teach them moral education. This can be accomplished by giving guidance and encouraging them to think for themselves about the choices they have made, or what choices might be better next time.
The Stoic philosopher Musonius Rufus advocated for the philosophical education of children in each of the four stoic virtues: moderation (self control or temperance), understanding (wisdom), courage, and justice (fairness, philanthropy). Musonius states:
"Well then, if it is necessary for both [boys and girls] to be proficient in the virtue which is appropriate to a human being, that is for both to be able to have understanding, and self-control, and courage, and justice, the one no less than the other, shall we not teach them both alike the art by which a human being becomes good? Yes, certainly we must do that and nothing else." [1]
Stoic justice is a personality trait rather than an external condition imposed on us, as in the modern sense. It has more to do with the development of empathy, fairness, or philanthropy. Parents should instruct their children to value these traits.
In his book The Ethics of Parenthood, Norvin Richards argues that parents must see that their children develop empathy, a sense of fairness, and responsibility for their actions.
The Stoic philosopher Musonius Rufus advocated for the philosophical education of children in each of the four stoic virtues: moderation (self control or temperance), understanding (wisdom), courage, and justice (fairness, philanthropy). Musonius states:
"Well then, if it is necessary for both [boys and girls] to be proficient in the virtue which is appropriate to a human being, that is for both to be able to have understanding, and self-control, and courage, and justice, the one no less than the other, shall we not teach them both alike the art by which a human being becomes good? Yes, certainly we must do that and nothing else." [1]
Stoic justice is a personality trait rather than an external condition imposed on us, as in the modern sense. It has more to do with the development of empathy, fairness, or philanthropy. Parents should instruct their children to value these traits.
In his book The Ethics of Parenthood, Norvin Richards argues that parents must see that their children develop empathy, a sense of fairness, and responsibility for their actions.
2. You Owe Your Child Love
All children are entitled to love. We should strive to have a selfless disposition with our children, especially when they are small. Selfless love doesn't ask, "What is in it for me?"
Musonius Rufus understood this when he wrote that, "Who better than she [a virtuous mother] would love her children more than life itself? Furthermore to shun selfishness and to have high regard for fairness and, being a human being, to wish to help and to be unwilling to harm one's fellow men is the noblest lesson, and it makes those who learn it just."
Certainly the relationship changes as a child gets older and becomes independent. Parents need not do everything for the child which they are capable of themselves, but parents can still offer loving guidance.
The Roman Emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius thought that people exist for the sake of helping each other. "Teach them, or bear with them," he states in The Meditations.
Musonius Rufus understood this when he wrote that, "Who better than she [a virtuous mother] would love her children more than life itself? Furthermore to shun selfishness and to have high regard for fairness and, being a human being, to wish to help and to be unwilling to harm one's fellow men is the noblest lesson, and it makes those who learn it just."
Certainly the relationship changes as a child gets older and becomes independent. Parents need not do everything for the child which they are capable of themselves, but parents can still offer loving guidance.
The Roman Emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius thought that people exist for the sake of helping each other. "Teach them, or bear with them," he states in The Meditations.
3. You Owe Your Child Respect
To quote Dr. Suess, "A person is a person no matter how small." When conflicts arise concerning the rights and obligations of parents and their children, it shouldn't be assumed that the parent's rights always trump the child's.
The child's opinion should be sought, or choices should given, and the child and adult should both participate in the process of determining the best solution to the problem. This method of conflict resolution takes more time, but it is nearly always preferable to strong-arming a child into doing something against their will, unless there is an immediate threat to their safety.
According to Norvin, parents should model the ability to resolve conflicts through free and equal discussion, and also model an Aristotelian capacity for mutual value, trust, and loyalty with their children.
The child's opinion should be sought, or choices should given, and the child and adult should both participate in the process of determining the best solution to the problem. This method of conflict resolution takes more time, but it is nearly always preferable to strong-arming a child into doing something against their will, unless there is an immediate threat to their safety.
According to Norvin, parents should model the ability to resolve conflicts through free and equal discussion, and also model an Aristotelian capacity for mutual value, trust, and loyalty with their children.
4. You Owe Your Child Peaceful Parenting
Child Psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, on her fabulous blog Aha! Parenting, stresses that peaceful parents do all of the following:
To this I would add that peaceful parents don't spank. Spanking is a violation of the non-aggression principle, based on the moral obligation we have not to initiate violence against other human beings.
- We take responsibility for regulating our own emotions, so we can stay as calm as possible with our children.
- We set limits with empathy.
- We reflect before we react, looking for the reason behind our child's behavior.
- We connect before we correct.
- We try to accept our child's "big" emotions with compassion, which helps her to move past them.
- We take responsibility for keeping our own "love cups" full, so we can pour our appreciation, acceptance and love into our child.
To this I would add that peaceful parents don't spank. Spanking is a violation of the non-aggression principle, based on the moral obligation we have not to initiate violence against other human beings.
5. You Owe Your Child A Good Example
I'm sure we all struggle with this since no one is perfect. I do as well - I am still learning control my temper and to resolve conflicts calmly. But if you have any defects in your character, it is up to you to correct or overcome them to the best of your ability before or you become a parent, and to continue improving your character once you have children.
There is a clear reason for this...you don't want to set a negative example for your child. Children model adult behavior, both good and bad. Parents should strive for joyfulness, patience, and maturity.
This includes setting a good example in your marriage. Most psychologists agree that the strength of the parents relationship forms the basis of child's experience of marriage and partnership.
"For without sympathy of mind and character between husband and wife, what marriage can be good, what partnership advantageous?" - Musonius Rufus
~
References:
[1] Musonius Rufus Stoic Fragments (Ibid. all Musonius quotes in this post).
You may also like the following posts:
Why It is Wrong To Spank Children - Number 4 May Shock You
7 Behaviors That Lead to Lasting Happiness
There is a clear reason for this...you don't want to set a negative example for your child. Children model adult behavior, both good and bad. Parents should strive for joyfulness, patience, and maturity.
This includes setting a good example in your marriage. Most psychologists agree that the strength of the parents relationship forms the basis of child's experience of marriage and partnership.
"For without sympathy of mind and character between husband and wife, what marriage can be good, what partnership advantageous?" - Musonius Rufus
~
References:
[1] Musonius Rufus Stoic Fragments (Ibid. all Musonius quotes in this post).
You may also like the following posts:
Why It is Wrong To Spank Children - Number 4 May Shock You
7 Behaviors That Lead to Lasting Happiness
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